MMmmmm coooooooffffeeeeee. Usually I can start my day without it because I get enough sleep. Not today lol. Up at 7 with Little D to get her off to school. Then have to get other child up for doc appointment by 815 or so. Then have to get hubby up to drive us to doc appointment. Then have to hit the store after doc appointment for some supplies. Like hot chocolate and spaghetti noodles. I want darn spaghetti and I don’t have spaghetti noodles lol.
Arielle’s knees have been hurting and that kind of worries me. Although the official studies say that there is not a genetic link that pre disposes you to RA, I think that is bunk. That is why my gramma had it, my mom has it, and my uncle has it. That is why I also think my oldest daughter has it. Now it looks like mebbe the middle daughter has it too. What a great thing to pass down to your kids eh. Talk about having some Mom guilt going on. I know that it isn’t my fault. There was nothing I could do to stop my RA from developing and there is nothing I can do to stop it in my kids. But I still feel guilty for handing down this defect that they don’t deserve. Well nobody deserves it. Here girls, you got this really great hair and beautiful eyes from me. But wait…here is something else that will overshadow all that and make you feel like crap and not give a damn that you have great hair and beautiful eyes. My middle daughter has the most beautiful hands with these long thin fingers. She could be a hand model. Well scratch that if she has arthritis. And what would that do to her dreams and aspirations of becoming a top notch chef with her own restaurant? Ugh I hate being Italian sometimes. That stupid worry gene. If my grandmother had 2 kids and they both developed RA, what are the chances that 2 out of 3 of the girls will get it? In this case the words in that Meatloaf song that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad does not apply here. What if my baby gets it? The child is just bent on going into the Navy and being a pilot. The child is just bent period lol. She wants to fly fighters off of Carriers lol. I KNOW my oldest daughter has it. But the child is having issues at this time and has no insurance so therefore no hope of treatment. She is only 21 and I know that there is damage going on. I don’t want any of my girlies to live the life that I do. I want them to have all good years. Not some good years. I want them to NOT have to worry about injections and infections and flares and side effects from meds and missing out on their kids school stuff and the list goes on and on. I fear that I will not be able to walk down the aisle for any of my girls weddings. I will either have a cane, crutches, or a wheelchair. I have nightmares about it. I want to take care of my child and grandchild right after my grandchildren are born. I want to stay with them for a couple of weeks afterwards and help out. Will I be able to? Is it a matter of determination and meds? Or is it a matter of my body will have failed me and I am going to miss out. I want to give my kids everything my mother never gave me. She never gave me help when they were born. She never has babysat for them. She never was there when they were born. I want to be there. I want to be right there with their husbands whispering in their ear push baby, you can do it. I want to do all that and then some for my girls. They are great kids and they deserve it. I want to surround myself with my kids and grandkids and be able to do things with them. My granddaughter is the light of my life and I feel I can’t give to her what I want and what she deserves. I love to play with her, but she just wears me out before I should be worn out. I can see the disappointment on her face when I have to stop playing with her. It wrenches and twists my heart into a painful little knot in my chest. I can’t cry in front of her it will just confuse her. Why should she, my kids, or my dear and wonderful husband (I LOVE YOU BABE YOU ARE THE BESTEST IN THE WORLD!!) suffer because of my shortcomings from the RA? It just doesn’t seem fair. And they just deal with it like it is no big deal that Mom is tired, or flaring, or whatever. They just accept what is. So then, why can’t I? Because I need to be the caregiver. Not them. It should be me. All the time. Not just part time. I feel like a part time wife and mother. This is my own feelings. They never make me feel that way. I am blessed with a great family. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Went out for a bit last night. Had a good time. I talk online to my wonderful girlfriends (you guys know who you are) but I am still around kids while trying to have adult time. Without my girlfriends, I would be more nuts than I am. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Don’t get me wrong. I love my kidlets muchly. I just need a break now and then since I don’t get out of the house that much anymore since I can’t drive. I have to depend on Danny. I can’t go shopping alone until my foot decides it wants to be normal again and not be all swollen and wants to move its toes. Dang foot. Those toes need to get up and get moving!! Maybe they don’t get enuf caffeine lol. They are at the end of my body. Mebbe I should take my caffeine via IV lol. I was yelling at them Marine Corp Drill Sarge style the other day. I thought I would scare them into action. Didn’t work lol. Here I sit with toes that don’t move and a foot so swollen that when I put it flat on the ground, my toes don’t touch the ground. Stupid toes. Stupid RA. It won’t fit in any of me shoes either. Why can’t it be summer and I can wear flip flops lol. My foot must be on crack lol. At least that is one of my girlfriends explanations for everything that is stupid lol.
Brrrr it’s cold out. 5 degrees but feels like 5 below with the wind chill factor. I am going to retire to where there is no such thing as a wind chill lol. I got the cutest pics of my dog and daughter this morning. I will post them on my myspace page after I edit them. Which I should go do now. I will be napping when we get back from the doc lol. UGH I HATE RA TODAY!! Flare, flare go away and never come back some other day!!!
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3 comments:
Yeah! Stupid RA. Hate it hate it.
Love your blog. It's so honest--and what, cleansing? How do you write something gritty-real and true about RA, the awfulness and endless frustrations, and have it be funny and lifting too? You always manage it.
I am imagining how hard it must be to see your kids having joint problems. The worry about how you'll care for them when it's hard to care for yourself. The feeling that somehow you did this to them because of handing off some baton in the gene pool. That must be really, really hard.
On the other hand, they sound like fantastic kids. I imagine you've given them so much good stuff that their lives are far more enriched for having you as their mom than they are troubled by problems in their joints. Kids are going to have problems. They could have done much worse than getting you for their mom and grandma.
:( Oh Lizzie. I'm sorry. Take comfort that you know what to look for with your kids, and at least you can catch it early, and prevent most of the damage. They can still have that life. You heart and spirit is what needs to be there for them, not your body. And it is, 110% and you know it. :)
Sadly we have so little control over what our kids end up getting from us. I know it gave me solice to think "There is no life guard in the gene pool."
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